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Melting Away This Nasty Aggravation

July 27, 2010

I am by nature an easy going, pleasant person – easily satisfied. These days though I find an unsettling undercurrent and tension around the edges. It’s harder to smile, and I find myself feeling a lacking at the end of the day. Aggravation is my regular state these days. The problem is aggravation consumes my energy and ability to just plain reverse itself. It is self defeating and I want to remove it from my being. Deep breaths; baby steps.

It – this aggravation – stems from the fact that I have recently changed so much about my schedule – or life in general – that I cannot seem to get my feet back under me – can’t catch my stride. The end result is I do not spend near enough time in my studio. My sorter/organizer gene forces me to make sure to keep everything in order first – including my to do list. By the time that is checked off, I seem to have run out of time, energy, and enthusiasm. Therefore, I can’t get into my studio before I finish chores, and even then, I begin to segment my sewing projects into an orderly fashion — always with ME last! There is something wrong with this…practice. It’s wrong because I’m left highly aggravated and unsatisfied.

I’m working full time, although I’ve done this before. I recognize a family issue is sapping my energy, but that I need to just set aside and tend as needed. I need studio time. I need to create, explore, and sew. Then use, wear, and benefit by my creations. A little every day is all it takes, I know. It just seems I can’t get there. I believe a little introspection is required. And maybe some baby steps. And while I should probably quiet that sorter/organizer gene, I know putting it to good use works. I am pulled between needs and wants. Or more specifically, commitments and obligations versus impulsive creations. I feel obligated to meet my commitments made – promises to make something for someone, and the responsibilities for keeping things running smoothly around here. These things seem to leave little time for fun and creativity. I decided the answer is balance. Not an epiphany by a long shot, but an affirmation that keeping some balance between the two makes each better.

The answer for me was to segment the time I devote to each. It really means giving myself permission to do for myself before the endless obligations are accomplished. I decided that my weekend time is for me alone. I can work on commitments all week, each evening, but when Saturday and Sunday roll around it’s okay to indulge in whimsical projects that make me happy beyond just satisfied. I look forward to these times and find myself daydreaming about what might be created over the weekend. I also find it easier to get through some of the obligations more efficiently since I know it won’t last forever. I have a sense of recommitting  to chores knowing that doing them clears my whole Me Time for…well, me.

With this plan in mind, my sorter/organizer gene is sated, my shoulders are relaxed, and my mind is free to wander during mundane tasks. I’m hoping that after a few weeks of having this in practice, I will begin to feel accomplished and able to pull myself together since I also still need to fit morning exercise back into my routine. It takes time to melt away aggravation. The answer for me: Balance and Baby steps.

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